Thursday, 11 August 2016

Investigation Report: Day 1

>>>>>>>DELTREE C://

Hey guys! You all doing well?

Did you see my upload from before?


Ok, I won't bother you with the backstory, hopefully your familiar with all that. But I've been a very busy little bee today.

I'm back in London, back in my house in fact, probably why this is being recorded clearly without static and shit!


Wait was that? Ha! No!

Sorry, I thought I was chancing fate for a moment.

Ok, right. So by now you've read about the Zed Head I dealt with in London?

Yeah, so I've been looking for the fucker who started the whole thing. Aaand today is day one of my investigation, and I spent most of it with my thumb up my ass getting Jack and Shit from all over the place.

Got a face mind. Greasy looking fucker. Long black hair, looks like a guy who hasn't been laid in a long time.

I've needed to give him a name, something to go by.

I figured Samedi would be good. You know, from Voodoo. I mean if this guy is making Zeds, then really he's just a modern witch-doctor. Only without the Diablo-esq doggies.

So yeah... Samedi.

I've got Barry on the case, he's running screen grabs on what CCTV I was able to jack into, but so far, fuck all.

Heard back from the white coats at the Eye however.

Yeah, they got a hold of the Zed Mother, did some tests. Found some weird stuff in her blood.


ParaZydrate-Dehydro-Something. They're calling it PZD for the moment.

So yeah, she had traces of this PZD shit in her system, they took it out and ran it through some tests, got the vid file here for you if interested.


Sorry about the format, but they're Mac assholes, and honestly, I can't be fucked to convert it.

So yeah, from what I gather these they gave it to some lab mouse, within seconds it had reached the poor fucker's brain, shrivelled it to one tenth's it size, and the little git tried to eat the other nice around it. Gave it some sort of super strength too, head butted it's cage bars and bent the shit outta them.

Yeah, so... If this shit gets out into the mainstream, we're pretty much fucked.

The white coats tried a few things, injection, ingestion, even rubbing it on the skin. Thankfully the last one didn't do anything. The ingestion however, yeah.

Results weren't as fast as injection, but they ended up the same regardless. Apparently that took about two hours.

Either way, if this Samedi guy gets it into the water supply, then London is going to go all 28 Days Later. And that can just fuck right off.

Anyway, like I said. I got Barry checking the CCTV, we got a few back doors and worms doing their things. This Samedi turns up, I'll know.

I'll keep you posted, but for now, stay vigilant, and don't let anyone stick you with needles, especially if they look like a Nightwish fan.


Incident Report #3829

>>>>>>>DOWNLOAD INC3829.rtf
>>>>>>>RUN INC3829.rtf

Cox: This is Agent Cox reporting at 0600, and I am joined by Agent Cornell

Cornell: Do you mind not using my real name?

Cox: What would you prefer? I know you are partial to pop culture references. I had thought about a Men in Black reference, but

Cornell: But that would make us both Agent C.

Cox: Exactly.

Cornell: Just use Skorn, OK?

Cox: Scorn?

Cornell: [CENSORED] no! Skorn, with a hard K!

Cox: There's no need to swear Agent.

Cornell: [CENSORED] you

Cox: Excuse me?

Cornell: You heard me, [CENSORED] you and your dog too!

Cox: I don't...

Cornell: You know what I [CENSORED]ing mean.

Cox: Anyway, I am joined by Agent Skorn. Agent, would you explain for the tape why you are here?

Cornell: ...fine. I mean [CENSORED] I'm here anyway, I might as well make it worth my [CENSORED]ing time, even if I think it's worth Jack [CENSORED] of our time.

Cox: Agent! Please mind your language.

Cornell: [CENSORED]

Cox: Anyway...

Cornell: Ok, well [CENSORED], so apparently the big [CENSORED]s here thought it best I recount the events of the past eight hours personally, rather than reading the report that I already need to write up for my boss explaining why I've been [CENSORED]ing AWOL.

Cox: Indeed. My Seniors have become increasingly aware that your reports are not completed in time, nor to a level of detail that is deemed satisfactory. We could complain to your supervisor, but we understand that there is little else she can do to manage your behaviour.

Cornell: [CENSORED] you.

Cox: Agent!

Cornell: Fine. So I arrived on the scene at, oh I don't know, three O'Clock yesterday.

Cox: Was that AM or PM?

Cornell: PM

Cox: So Fifteen Hundred hours?

Cornell: Yes

Cox: Our records show you arriving on scene at Fifteen Twenty Two

Cornell: [CENSORED] you

Cox: I'll take that as a confirmation.

Cornell: so I arrived at the site

Cox: Which was?

Cornell: Old Street underground station in [CENSORED]ing London, OK? Good. Anyway I arrived at the site, and had been told that there was a possible 103 on our hands.

Cox: 103?

Cornell: Zed attack

Cox: Zed?

Cornell: [CENSORED]ing Zombies! You know this would be a lot [CENSORED]ing quicker if you just let me tell the [CENSORED]ing story!

Cox: Continue

Cornell: We had a kid, boy, about six years old and his mother on the overground tracks. The station was on lockdown as they thought it was a... [CENSORED] what's the term? A one under. I guess this would be a two under?

Cox: This isn't a joking matter.

Cornell: Hmph! Well when I arrived the entire platform had been cleared out, and while it may have been a person or two under the train, there was clearly more to it.

Cox: Go on.

Cornell: The carriage had been moved off the site of impact, and it was clear that the kid had been hit first, there wasn't much left of him intact. The mother however was only missing her legs and an arm. The rest was pretty much intact. But when she saw me he stopped her lunch

Cox: Her, what?

Cornell: Oh did I leave that out? The [CENSORED] was eating her [CENSORED]ing kid's remains.

Cox: That's horrible!

Cornell: You get used to it. [CENSORED] you should see the [CENSORED] in Tokyo! Makes this look like [CENSORED]ing kids telly!

Cox: So ummm... What did you... Did you do?

Cornell: You ok boss? You look a little green in the gills?

Cox: I'm fine. Please continue.

Cornell: ok, so I Mozambiqued her Zed ass, you know, two in the chest, one in the head. Or is it one in the chest, and two in the head? I forget. Then put one in the kid just to make sure. You know, nuke him from orbit.

Cox: You do realise we are talking about people here, right Agent?

Cornell: They're not people.

Cox: What?

Cornell: You think I can do what I do and think of them as [CENSORED]ing people? [CENSORED] no! They're [CENSORED]ing Zeds and the only kind thing to do is put them out of their misery.

Cox: But the kid

Cornell: Would have eventually turned, probably in the morgue while being examined. So yeah, no he's not a [CENSORED]ing problem, and he's not going to be biting any doc any time soon making more [CENSORED] Zed Heads. Got it?

Cox: Yes... I see.

Cornell: Seriously dude, you really don't look good.

Cox: I'm fine, please continue.

Cornell: Not much else to say. One Zed dead, and one turner put out of his inevitable misery.

Cox: I see, and the time by then was?

Cornell: oh I don't know, maybe three thirty?

Cox: So ten minutes after you arrived?

Cornell: Yes

Cox: So why was it then Agent that you only called the job in at a full twenty minutes after you said you finished? What were you doing for that time.

Cornell: Oh that...

Cox: Yes, can you explain?

Cornell: I was following up a lead.

Cox: A lead?

Cornell: Yes. You see, Zeds don't just come out of nowhere, they need to be made. Most common is another Zed biting them, but there's all sorts of other stuff.

Cox: Ok...

Cornell: And as I was about to leave, the police admin chick, she showed me her camera footage. [CENSORED] don't look at me like that! I mean the CCTV stuff.

Cox: And did you find anything interesting?

Cornell: [CENSORED] yeah! I got a copy of it here, see?

Cox: You are referring to your flash drive?

Cornell: Yes of course I am. [CENSORED]!

Cox: And what did you find?

Cornell: So get this, the mother who turned, no bite marks or anything on her, but right here on this [CENSORED]ing vid we have some dude touching her on the neck!

Cox: I don't see how a sexual pervert is responsible for a... 103.

Cornell: It's all on the video. As soon as he touches her neck there's this weird blemish or something there. I'm thinking he injected her with something, and not the usual Zed [CENSORED] but something new, probably an artificial catalyst or something.

Cox: You mean a drug?

Cornell: Now you get it! Just add water! I stand Zombie Apocalypse!

Cox: That's an interesting theory. Have you shared it with your handler?

Cornell: Of course not! What sort of [CENSORED]ing idiot do you think I am?

Cox: Ok, listen Agent. I want you to return to London, right? See what else you can dig up on this guy in the video. I'll speak with your handler and get it cleared away.

Cornell: On it.

Cox: Oh and agent?

Cornell: Hmm?

Cox: How'd you avoid being on the cameras yourself?

Cornell: I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those dead-mutes.

Cox: What?

Cornell: Just call me the Laughing Man.


Monday, 25 July 2016

CRITICAL REPORT: Demonic Symbiosis


Hey we on? Holy shit balls! We've got a green light! About fucking time!

So how goes it? You all good? It's been a while hasn't it?

You're telling me, it feels like fucking ages since I was here last, spreading the truth, and helping you, help me, saving the world.

So what's been going on in the world of the Super Dudes?

fuck me I hate that name

Ok well there has been an interesting development.

Firstly, I decided I was coming out from hiding. Yup! Your best buddy in the fucking inter-webs is back to his old self. Of course all this meant was regrowing my beard, and stop dying my hair. It may not sound like a lot, but you'll be amazed how unrecognisable I've been as a clean shaven blonde.

I've also been fucking miserable as shit, unable to look myself in the mirror and recognise my own face.

Well, something sparked this change, it wasn't out of no-where. Fuck no!

Let me play an audio file for you, and I think you'll get an idea of where all this came from.


This is Agent Nightfire and Agent Blazing Lion on... Friday the twelfth.


Hey Bill, don't look at me like that. Yes we're going with Nightfire and Blazing Lion. No I don't think it sounds stupid. Shut up Bill!

So it's twenty hundred hours, and we are reporting on what the white coats are calling Type Nine Oh Nine Grade Pathogen. For reference I will be referring to it as simply Growth.

Our subject is apparently in his early thirties, ummm five foot nine, and with an athletic build.

...yes I'm calling it that Bill, I mean Blazing Lion! Ok, you've just lost Blazing Lion, now you're Agent Moist! You like that Moist? Ok good.

No you can't be Agent Athletic Build.

Look, KG asked us to report on this...

Ok... You know what? Fuck you Bill!


Ok I am going to try again now, now that my partner is no longer allowed in the examination room.

[DISTANT SHOUTING] You hear that Bill? You're not part of my examination now! How's that for an athletic build?


So the subject was sent to us after he recently collapsed while under deep cover by his splinter cell partners, including a Jar head, and a rather cute looking Asian girl. Damn this guy was lucky to be on a team with her, the things I would do if I was out in the field...


Ok where was I? So the subject, an Agent Skorn... Seriously? That's how it's spelt? Who spells like that? He was brought in to us after collapsing in the field.

On initial checks we found that his body was ageing at a rate a-typical for a man of his age. His organs almost drying up when we scanned them. Our white coats believe it is due to prolonged exposure to serum k-six, the type we give to our super-agents to keep them fighting fit.

K-six is usually issued in small dosages, designed to be used over the space of a few weeks at most, but apparently this guy had something new.


Here you go, a sub-dermal implant that extracted requirements out of his own waste and re-purposed it into K-six.

Wow, I'll be honest here, I'm amazed he's still alive if he's had this stuff in his body for over six months, never mind the literal year plus he has been in the field.

On further analysis it revealed that the subject's body was rejecting the k-six, and as such his body was going into total shutdown.


At oh four hundred hours, he was declared dead.


Oh right.

Oh seven five nine, subject was examined by on site coroner to determine cee oh dee, and after cracking him open, the found...


Ok, it says here that they found his very heart itself to be covered in a solid rock like substance, and... Holy God! It began glowing!

Then... Oh no...

He woke up! Screaming...

Jesus, imagine that?

So they stitched him back up, but found that the same glowing rock like substance had spread, and was... emerging? Yes, emerging around his left forearm.

Shortly afterwards, scans revealed his tissue was regenerating to it's previous healthy state, and... Oh and here is where I come in.

Subject sent to Pathogen Research Labs.

Ok... So... Excuse me, I'm going to throw up...


Hey again! Yup you're back with your ol' buddy Skorn again!

That's right fuckers! So the company fucked with my body just enough that I fucking died! But it seemed that the universe or whoever didn't want me to stay dead, fuck no!

So what was the deal? Well it seems that the... What did they call it? 909-Grade Pathogen was, how do I put it? Hell Growth.

Yup, when my body gave out, something inside me reacted and took over.

What this means is that my metabolism has stabilised as I'm no longer taking the stuff from the Company, however I did spend a few weeks in quarantine while they established, that no, I wasn't a fucking zombie, and no, I certainly wasn't contagious.

One by product that I had was that forearm mass they mentioned. Yeah, had that stuck there for most of the time, but the moment it came into contact with my babies, you know, my dukes, my deciders, my guns, it changed. It turned into a set of guns itself!

Crazy, and then afterwards, it was reawakened into my own fucking body!

Now I feel like SpiderMan when he found the black suit! I can summon these demon guns, or that arm stuff, which in turn seems to help with my understanding of Hell Speak, at will! The rest of the time I just look like charming ol' me!

Plus I feel fucking fantastic!

So yeah, what's why I'm back baby! I've had enough of being someone I'm not, I lead a fucking Demon Legion in the 30 second war! I'm going to be me, and let the fucking Snake quiver in it's piss filled boots!