Thursday, 11 August 2016

Investigation Report: Day 1

>>>>>>>DELTREE C://

Hey guys! You all doing well?

Did you see my upload from before?


Ok, I won't bother you with the backstory, hopefully your familiar with all that. But I've been a very busy little bee today.

I'm back in London, back in my house in fact, probably why this is being recorded clearly without static and shit!


Wait was that? Ha! No!

Sorry, I thought I was chancing fate for a moment.

Ok, right. So by now you've read about the Zed Head I dealt with in London?

Yeah, so I've been looking for the fucker who started the whole thing. Aaand today is day one of my investigation, and I spent most of it with my thumb up my ass getting Jack and Shit from all over the place.

Got a face mind. Greasy looking fucker. Long black hair, looks like a guy who hasn't been laid in a long time.

I've needed to give him a name, something to go by.

I figured Samedi would be good. You know, from Voodoo. I mean if this guy is making Zeds, then really he's just a modern witch-doctor. Only without the Diablo-esq doggies.

So yeah... Samedi.

I've got Barry on the case, he's running screen grabs on what CCTV I was able to jack into, but so far, fuck all.

Heard back from the white coats at the Eye however.

Yeah, they got a hold of the Zed Mother, did some tests. Found some weird stuff in her blood.


ParaZydrate-Dehydro-Something. They're calling it PZD for the moment.

So yeah, she had traces of this PZD shit in her system, they took it out and ran it through some tests, got the vid file here for you if interested.


Sorry about the format, but they're Mac assholes, and honestly, I can't be fucked to convert it.

So yeah, from what I gather these they gave it to some lab mouse, within seconds it had reached the poor fucker's brain, shrivelled it to one tenth's it size, and the little git tried to eat the other nice around it. Gave it some sort of super strength too, head butted it's cage bars and bent the shit outta them.

Yeah, so... If this shit gets out into the mainstream, we're pretty much fucked.

The white coats tried a few things, injection, ingestion, even rubbing it on the skin. Thankfully the last one didn't do anything. The ingestion however, yeah.

Results weren't as fast as injection, but they ended up the same regardless. Apparently that took about two hours.

Either way, if this Samedi guy gets it into the water supply, then London is going to go all 28 Days Later. And that can just fuck right off.

Anyway, like I said. I got Barry checking the CCTV, we got a few back doors and worms doing their things. This Samedi turns up, I'll know.

I'll keep you posted, but for now, stay vigilant, and don't let anyone stick you with needles, especially if they look like a Nightwish fan.


Incident Report #3829

>>>>>>>DOWNLOAD INC3829.rtf
>>>>>>>RUN INC3829.rtf

Cox: This is Agent Cox reporting at 0600, and I am joined by Agent Cornell

Cornell: Do you mind not using my real name?

Cox: What would you prefer? I know you are partial to pop culture references. I had thought about a Men in Black reference, but

Cornell: But that would make us both Agent C.

Cox: Exactly.

Cornell: Just use Skorn, OK?

Cox: Scorn?

Cornell: [CENSORED] no! Skorn, with a hard K!

Cox: There's no need to swear Agent.

Cornell: [CENSORED] you

Cox: Excuse me?

Cornell: You heard me, [CENSORED] you and your dog too!

Cox: I don't...

Cornell: You know what I [CENSORED]ing mean.

Cox: Anyway, I am joined by Agent Skorn. Agent, would you explain for the tape why you are here?

Cornell: ...fine. I mean [CENSORED] I'm here anyway, I might as well make it worth my [CENSORED]ing time, even if I think it's worth Jack [CENSORED] of our time.

Cox: Agent! Please mind your language.

Cornell: [CENSORED]

Cox: Anyway...

Cornell: Ok, well [CENSORED], so apparently the big [CENSORED]s here thought it best I recount the events of the past eight hours personally, rather than reading the report that I already need to write up for my boss explaining why I've been [CENSORED]ing AWOL.

Cox: Indeed. My Seniors have become increasingly aware that your reports are not completed in time, nor to a level of detail that is deemed satisfactory. We could complain to your supervisor, but we understand that there is little else she can do to manage your behaviour.

Cornell: [CENSORED] you.

Cox: Agent!

Cornell: Fine. So I arrived on the scene at, oh I don't know, three O'Clock yesterday.

Cox: Was that AM or PM?

Cornell: PM

Cox: So Fifteen Hundred hours?

Cornell: Yes

Cox: Our records show you arriving on scene at Fifteen Twenty Two

Cornell: [CENSORED] you

Cox: I'll take that as a confirmation.

Cornell: so I arrived at the site

Cox: Which was?

Cornell: Old Street underground station in [CENSORED]ing London, OK? Good. Anyway I arrived at the site, and had been told that there was a possible 103 on our hands.

Cox: 103?

Cornell: Zed attack

Cox: Zed?

Cornell: [CENSORED]ing Zombies! You know this would be a lot [CENSORED]ing quicker if you just let me tell the [CENSORED]ing story!

Cox: Continue

Cornell: We had a kid, boy, about six years old and his mother on the overground tracks. The station was on lockdown as they thought it was a... [CENSORED] what's the term? A one under. I guess this would be a two under?

Cox: This isn't a joking matter.

Cornell: Hmph! Well when I arrived the entire platform had been cleared out, and while it may have been a person or two under the train, there was clearly more to it.

Cox: Go on.

Cornell: The carriage had been moved off the site of impact, and it was clear that the kid had been hit first, there wasn't much left of him intact. The mother however was only missing her legs and an arm. The rest was pretty much intact. But when she saw me he stopped her lunch

Cox: Her, what?

Cornell: Oh did I leave that out? The [CENSORED] was eating her [CENSORED]ing kid's remains.

Cox: That's horrible!

Cornell: You get used to it. [CENSORED] you should see the [CENSORED] in Tokyo! Makes this look like [CENSORED]ing kids telly!

Cox: So ummm... What did you... Did you do?

Cornell: You ok boss? You look a little green in the gills?

Cox: I'm fine. Please continue.

Cornell: ok, so I Mozambiqued her Zed ass, you know, two in the chest, one in the head. Or is it one in the chest, and two in the head? I forget. Then put one in the kid just to make sure. You know, nuke him from orbit.

Cox: You do realise we are talking about people here, right Agent?

Cornell: They're not people.

Cox: What?

Cornell: You think I can do what I do and think of them as [CENSORED]ing people? [CENSORED] no! They're [CENSORED]ing Zeds and the only kind thing to do is put them out of their misery.

Cox: But the kid

Cornell: Would have eventually turned, probably in the morgue while being examined. So yeah, no he's not a [CENSORED]ing problem, and he's not going to be biting any doc any time soon making more [CENSORED] Zed Heads. Got it?

Cox: Yes... I see.

Cornell: Seriously dude, you really don't look good.

Cox: I'm fine, please continue.

Cornell: Not much else to say. One Zed dead, and one turner put out of his inevitable misery.

Cox: I see, and the time by then was?

Cornell: oh I don't know, maybe three thirty?

Cox: So ten minutes after you arrived?

Cornell: Yes

Cox: So why was it then Agent that you only called the job in at a full twenty minutes after you said you finished? What were you doing for that time.

Cornell: Oh that...

Cox: Yes, can you explain?

Cornell: I was following up a lead.

Cox: A lead?

Cornell: Yes. You see, Zeds don't just come out of nowhere, they need to be made. Most common is another Zed biting them, but there's all sorts of other stuff.

Cox: Ok...

Cornell: And as I was about to leave, the police admin chick, she showed me her camera footage. [CENSORED] don't look at me like that! I mean the CCTV stuff.

Cox: And did you find anything interesting?

Cornell: [CENSORED] yeah! I got a copy of it here, see?

Cox: You are referring to your flash drive?

Cornell: Yes of course I am. [CENSORED]!

Cox: And what did you find?

Cornell: So get this, the mother who turned, no bite marks or anything on her, but right here on this [CENSORED]ing vid we have some dude touching her on the neck!

Cox: I don't see how a sexual pervert is responsible for a... 103.

Cornell: It's all on the video. As soon as he touches her neck there's this weird blemish or something there. I'm thinking he injected her with something, and not the usual Zed [CENSORED] but something new, probably an artificial catalyst or something.

Cox: You mean a drug?

Cornell: Now you get it! Just add water! I stand Zombie Apocalypse!

Cox: That's an interesting theory. Have you shared it with your handler?

Cornell: Of course not! What sort of [CENSORED]ing idiot do you think I am?

Cox: Ok, listen Agent. I want you to return to London, right? See what else you can dig up on this guy in the video. I'll speak with your handler and get it cleared away.

Cornell: On it.

Cox: Oh and agent?

Cornell: Hmm?

Cox: How'd you avoid being on the cameras yourself?

Cornell: I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those dead-mutes.

Cox: What?

Cornell: Just call me the Laughing Man.


Monday, 25 July 2016

CRITICAL REPORT: Demonic Symbiosis


Hey we on? Holy shit balls! We've got a green light! About fucking time!

So how goes it? You all good? It's been a while hasn't it?

You're telling me, it feels like fucking ages since I was here last, spreading the truth, and helping you, help me, saving the world.

So what's been going on in the world of the Super Dudes?

fuck me I hate that name

Ok well there has been an interesting development.

Firstly, I decided I was coming out from hiding. Yup! Your best buddy in the fucking inter-webs is back to his old self. Of course all this meant was regrowing my beard, and stop dying my hair. It may not sound like a lot, but you'll be amazed how unrecognisable I've been as a clean shaven blonde.

I've also been fucking miserable as shit, unable to look myself in the mirror and recognise my own face.

Well, something sparked this change, it wasn't out of no-where. Fuck no!

Let me play an audio file for you, and I think you'll get an idea of where all this came from.


This is Agent Nightfire and Agent Blazing Lion on... Friday the twelfth.


Hey Bill, don't look at me like that. Yes we're going with Nightfire and Blazing Lion. No I don't think it sounds stupid. Shut up Bill!

So it's twenty hundred hours, and we are reporting on what the white coats are calling Type Nine Oh Nine Grade Pathogen. For reference I will be referring to it as simply Growth.

Our subject is apparently in his early thirties, ummm five foot nine, and with an athletic build.

...yes I'm calling it that Bill, I mean Blazing Lion! Ok, you've just lost Blazing Lion, now you're Agent Moist! You like that Moist? Ok good.

No you can't be Agent Athletic Build.

Look, KG asked us to report on this...

Ok... You know what? Fuck you Bill!


Ok I am going to try again now, now that my partner is no longer allowed in the examination room.

[DISTANT SHOUTING] You hear that Bill? You're not part of my examination now! How's that for an athletic build?


So the subject was sent to us after he recently collapsed while under deep cover by his splinter cell partners, including a Jar head, and a rather cute looking Asian girl. Damn this guy was lucky to be on a team with her, the things I would do if I was out in the field...


Ok where was I? So the subject, an Agent Skorn... Seriously? That's how it's spelt? Who spells like that? He was brought in to us after collapsing in the field.

On initial checks we found that his body was ageing at a rate a-typical for a man of his age. His organs almost drying up when we scanned them. Our white coats believe it is due to prolonged exposure to serum k-six, the type we give to our super-agents to keep them fighting fit.

K-six is usually issued in small dosages, designed to be used over the space of a few weeks at most, but apparently this guy had something new.


Here you go, a sub-dermal implant that extracted requirements out of his own waste and re-purposed it into K-six.

Wow, I'll be honest here, I'm amazed he's still alive if he's had this stuff in his body for over six months, never mind the literal year plus he has been in the field.

On further analysis it revealed that the subject's body was rejecting the k-six, and as such his body was going into total shutdown.


At oh four hundred hours, he was declared dead.


Oh right.

Oh seven five nine, subject was examined by on site coroner to determine cee oh dee, and after cracking him open, the found...


Ok, it says here that they found his very heart itself to be covered in a solid rock like substance, and... Holy God! It began glowing!

Then... Oh no...

He woke up! Screaming...

Jesus, imagine that?

So they stitched him back up, but found that the same glowing rock like substance had spread, and was... emerging? Yes, emerging around his left forearm.

Shortly afterwards, scans revealed his tissue was regenerating to it's previous healthy state, and... Oh and here is where I come in.

Subject sent to Pathogen Research Labs.

Ok... So... Excuse me, I'm going to throw up...


Hey again! Yup you're back with your ol' buddy Skorn again!

That's right fuckers! So the company fucked with my body just enough that I fucking died! But it seemed that the universe or whoever didn't want me to stay dead, fuck no!

So what was the deal? Well it seems that the... What did they call it? 909-Grade Pathogen was, how do I put it? Hell Growth.

Yup, when my body gave out, something inside me reacted and took over.

What this means is that my metabolism has stabilised as I'm no longer taking the stuff from the Company, however I did spend a few weeks in quarantine while they established, that no, I wasn't a fucking zombie, and no, I certainly wasn't contagious.

One by product that I had was that forearm mass they mentioned. Yeah, had that stuck there for most of the time, but the moment it came into contact with my babies, you know, my dukes, my deciders, my guns, it changed. It turned into a set of guns itself!

Crazy, and then afterwards, it was reawakened into my own fucking body!

Now I feel like SpiderMan when he found the black suit! I can summon these demon guns, or that arm stuff, which in turn seems to help with my understanding of Hell Speak, at will! The rest of the time I just look like charming ol' me!

Plus I feel fucking fantastic!

So yeah, what's why I'm back baby! I've had enough of being someone I'm not, I lead a fucking Demon Legion in the 30 second war! I'm going to be me, and let the fucking Snake quiver in it's piss filled boots!


Thursday, 5 November 2015

Agents of Misfortune


Hello? Are we green?

Yeah we're green!

Alright! So dudes and dudettes, how ya'll been? I've been better. Bored as fuck as I follow my orders and keep my head down for fear of having it bitten off by a pissed off snake.

Did you know that apparently they have a bounty on my head? Apparently I'm worth only $500,000! Seriously?! I'd have thought I was worth at least double that! I mean fuck! The boss and Emo Boy are rated at like four times that!

From what I've seen they say that she is a master strategist and manipulator, able to infiltrate any secure location through a superior intelligence, immaculate planning unmatched close combat abilities and irresistible seduction technique, while he can shoot a penny at a thousand yards blind folded and carries around enough weaponry to keep a small army going.

I've heard they even have nicknames among the Snake Soldiers, from what I've heard she's being called Killer Queen and he's got the nickname Gun-Show, or at least that's their nicknames this week, last week they were doing the whole 'Avengers' thing, she was Black Widow and he was Hawk Eye. Fuck knows what it will be next week.

You know what word on the wire says my nickname is? Tech-Head. Seriously, I sound like a fucking He-Man action figure! Which is both awesome and terribly sad at the same time.

Apparently I can hack into any internet based system, which isn't too far from the truth, but it means that for the time being the Snake have taken their servers offline to local ports only. According to word on the wire they believe that this has neutralised my threat as the only way I could do them any damage now is if I got onto a base directly, which without the help of Killer Queen or Gun Show would be impossible.

Fucking dicks!

It wasn't that long ago that they claimed I was one third of the most evil trio in the world who engineered the Tokyo Incident, now I'm a fucking side kick neutered by simply taking a server offline.

The boss tells me that this is all part of their plan, that they are trying to get under my skin, that our profiles suggest I will be the most likely to crack to a bruised ego so they are trying to do that, to lure me out by myself so they can put a bee-sized bullet in my brain and take me out of the equation. That I am not a neutered sidekick but an invaluable leg of a killer tripod and that the snake knows this and is trying to use it against me.

I dunno guys, I believe her. Why wouldn't I? She's my boss, and my girl. I mean shit, I followed her back from the literal heart of Hell just to propose to her, but seeing the wire full off the shit the Snake spews of me, it just gets me so fucking angry!


I've tried to distract myself by hunting down more info on those angel dudes. This is the second time we've seen them and this time they did something to us.

Fuck, I sound like I should be pointing on doll where the nasty angel people touched us.

But I got fuck all!

I've searched high and low, and all I can find is enochian gibberish and Native American shit about visitors from space!

Our encounter with these guys feels like so long ago now. I don't even know if it was real

Friday, 23 October 2015

Q&A Archive: Halloween.txt


Great you got that on? Wonderful! I'm so [CESORED] happy to know that everything I'm about to say will be recorded.


What? Now you want me to tell you about [CENSORED] Halloween?


Fine I'll tell you about [CENSORED] Halloween!

[CENSORED] me this just gets more and more [CENSORED] up!

Ok so get this! Every year on October thirty first, little children from around the world dress up as ghosts and witches and go beg for sweeties from adults!

How's that? You [CENSORED] happy now? Can I go?

You know I have a [CENSORED] job to do right? You know? We have those [REDACTED] with their glowing wings and [CENSORED] to track down?

No? You'd rather I sit here and talk about a [CENSORED] kiddies holiday?


Fine! Ok if it will get me the [CENSORED] outta here!

Ok, so Halloween; kiddies think it's all about sweeties and fancy dress, but you know what? That [CENSORED] ain't the half of it!

You been to [REDACTED] recently? Or any time for the past two, three years? Yeah it's stuck in perpetual [CENSORED] Halloween!

I swear it's like running around in a [CENSORED] Twilight movie! [CENSORED]! Why couldn't it be stuck in permanent Christmas or something? Eternal crisp snow and reindeer bells or something?

Think that's a coincidence? Think that there's no reason why it's stuck like that? Nah there's no coincidence! There's a reason behind it, but I'll be [CENSORED] if I have a clue what it is.

Who knows, maybe it all comes down to [REDACTED], you know?

They say that on Halloween the veil between the living world and the spirit world is at it's thinnest, that the dead can walk the world, well the dead most certainly are walking around Kingsmouth! But that's because of the mist though, isn't it?

But think of it this way, if the veil is at it's thinnest on that day, what about everything else? I've seen reports in my time of crazy [CENSORED]jobs using spirits to power machines or give them beyond human powers.


Of course! That's how we do it!


That Snake Demon [CENSORED] wants to [CENSORED] with us, we use Kingsmouth against him! We pierce the veil and unleash a torrent of ghost [CENSORED] at him!


What?!? You mean we can't do that?


Great so now what?


Fine! Ok I'll just keep sitting here giving you reports then...

What's next?


No [REDACTED] ain't real, neither is [REDACTED] or the [REDACTED]!


What! You've gotta be [CENSORED] me! [REDACTED] is real? Well [CENSORED] me!


Friday, 24 July 2015



Hello? This coming through?

Ah good! Yup we got a green light!

Ok so... How you been?

Fuck me it's been batshit crazy here the past few months.

No doubt you've noticed the total drop off of news about us? About Tokyo?

Yup standard tactics there for the Snake and it's fucking PR department. They flood the media with terribad news and get everyone shitting bricks about it like its the end of the fucking world or something, then move onto the next big bad that will shock people!

As long as we stay on the down-low, stop rocking the boat and essentially play their fucking game, then they stop bothering you. The problem here is I have no interest in playing their game!

I wanna jump up on the table! I wanna shove a lighter into the smoke detector! And I want to stand there covered in sprinkler water with two middle fingers shoved right into the camera of whatever snake-fuck operator is currently watching!


But the boss doesn't like that idea. She says I need to keep my head down and weather it all out.

If it was just me then I wouldn't have a problem, I've taken risks before and i'd march straight up to that pussy-whipped demon's board room, strap a nuke to my forehead and knut him into oblivion!

But it's not just me is it? There's two other operatives in on this, one of them who I would never want to put in harms way unnecessarily.

So I follow orders, I lie lay and wait. And eventually once in done waiting we'll get the orders to make a move and like that we'll kick the teeth in of that twat-face!


Seriously! What. The. Fuck! I had to shave off my beard for fucks sake!

My fucking beard! I've had that for what? Ten fucking years! But the company says it's too much of a distinguishing feature! So off the fuck it goes!

I swear I will find that demon-fuck and will rip out his oesophagus through his fucking ass hole!

I lead the fucking undefeated eight seven nine one to victory in hell itself! We killed an abomination that was quite literally a giant fucking cock with claws! And now I'm supposed to be afraid of a dick in a suit?


Monday, 11 May 2015

Communications Going Dark


Is this thing working?


This is Codename Skorn coming to you from a secure location.
Sadly because of recent activity things have had to take a more secretive route than usual.
I'm guessing by now you've all seen the news broadcast, and I'm asking you [STATIC]please don't believe it.

The powers that be would have you believe that me and those like me are responsible for the Tokyo incident. That is a [STATIC]lie.

There are forces at work here. The Snake being one of them and maybe even The Company themselves.


They want us dead.

Hundreds, if not thousands died as a result of the Tokyo Incident and it made 911 look like a day at the fair.


They are now trying to pin this on us.

Lily Engel the Snake's chairwoman has gone and where or by whom is up for debate, but they are pinning this on us.

Everything you are seeing now is all spin-doctored bullshit, as they try to make things as difficult and painful for us as possible.

Do not believe their lies!


I am worried I will have to go dark for a while.

As far as I am aware me and my team have been black-listed. Scrubbed from data banks and no record exists of our employment with The Company.
Do not try and find us.

My research will continue and I will reveal what I can when I can.


Mum? Dad? I'm sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I just need some time and everything will be straightened out.

You just need to believe me when I tell you [STATIC] I didn't do what they are saying I did